Stuff that Weighs More than Me: The Big Suit

Here’s yet another of the wonderful sculptures at the St. Louis City Garden. This behemoth by artist Erwin Wurm is simply titled, “Big Suit”. Despite it’s soft, pastel colors, (and the fact there’s no dude in the suit) this bad boy is heavy. That’s probably why aluminum never really caught as a textile for garments. Here’s the stats:

Material: Painted Aluminum
Dimensions: 300 x 130 x 73 cm (118 x 51 x 29 in)
Height: Nearly 10 feet
Shirt Size 144 Long
Estimated Weight: 1 short ton

Conclusion: The Big Suit weighs more than me.
Want to learn more about some serious tailoring? Click HERE.

Alter, Tweak, Modify, Tailor

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I got an email this week from a person who had bought my book. She was super excited about getting going on the exercises, but she had gotten stuck. One of the early exercises (exercise #2 in fact) was entitled rock the block. This exercise (which is also available on my website) suggests that you walk around the block as many times as you can to determine an accurate starting point for your fitness efforts. On the surface, this seems like a great idea. You’ll never be too far from your front door, you can just keep a water bottle on your front porch and you know the neighborhood. All good except for one thing. What if you can’t do it?

What do you do when you come up against an exercise that you simply can’t do–one that just doesn’t fit? Do you just give up? No! In the tradition of the best Academy Awards red-carpet gowns, you tailor it. You alter the gown to fit the star, you don’t alter the star to fit the gown. It’s the same thing with exercises. If the exercise doesn’t fit, just change it!

There’s no law that requires you do a particular exercise. Most of the time you can find a simple change or substitution that will get you past the roadblock and on your way. Can’t walk an entire block outside? Okay, walk 1/2 or 1/4 of a block. Or do laps inside your house from kitchen to living room to bedroom and back again. Does walking hurt your ankles, knees, or hips? Try walking laps in the local pool. The water will remove most of the force of gravity off your joints while offering greater resistance than air. You can get the same level of physical exertion walking slowly in the water as you can get walking much more quickly on land.

Sure, you say. It’s relatively easy to modify moves when you’re all by yourself. But what about when you’re in a class? The answer is the same. Tailor the moves to you. You’re not a member of the Rockettes. There will be no dire consequences for doing things differently than the other folks in the class. If a particular move or exercise hurts, scares you, exhausts you or causes you to lose your balance, DON’T DO IT! It’s as simple as that. Your teacher should be willing and able to help you figure out modifications for virtually any movement in your class. If your teacher isn’t friendly and accommodating about finding modifications, maybe you need a new teacher. This is your class and YOUR exercise time. You shouldn’t feel exhausted, deeply frustrated, scared, unbalanced or in pain.

While there are specific modifications for nearly every kind of movement in the universe, there are some typical modification tools you can call on when you’re having trouble:

1. Slow down: If a move is going by too quickly to do it properly and comfortably, just do it more slowly. In a dance class you could do the move at “half-time” (meaning that you take twice as long to accomplish the move as those around you). In yoga classes, you can also choose to flow more slowly from posture to posture. Just make sure you have space around you so that you’re not banging into other folks who are not quite in sync with your movements.

2. Make movements smaller: if you’re finding that you can’t quite keep up in class, you can simply make your moves a little bit more contained. In dance class, you can keep your feet closer together and closer to the ground. If you’re doing a step-touch, narrow your stance. If you’re doing kicks, just kick a little lower or do a point or a tap instead of a kick. Also if you suffer from hypertension, you should probably keep your arms at shoulder height or lower most of the time. It may raise your BP to work out for extended periods with your arms over your head.

3. Simplify movements: If you’re finding yourself overtired in class, you can simply do the leg movements and drop the arms to your sides. Or you can sit in a chair and just do the arm movements. You can also use this strategy for pain management. Legs hurt? Just do the arms. Do your arms hurt? Just do the legs. Is your right arm killing you? Just use the left one. You get the idea…

We could go into a lot more detail about this, but here’s the key point. It’s YOUR body. Nobody knows more about how your body feels than YOU do. So take charge! Apply some simple modifications, ask for help, speak up, and be the boss of your own body. Just make sure your fitness FITS you.

Love,
The Fat Chick

Stuff that Weighs More than Me: Santa’s List

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This is a late post-Christmas entry, but I’m going to use it anyways because A) New Years is all about lists and B) I had the research done before I got sick before the holidays and I’m basically to lazy to try to keep this until next year.

Now technically Santa could store all the naughty/nice data for the children of the world on a computer or even a freaking thumb drive both of which certainly weigh less than me. But have you ever seen a picture of Santa sidling up to a laptop? I didn’t think so. Nope, we all know that Santa’s got a book–a BIG book.

Now the latest estimates indicate that Santa’s got around 2.5 billion kids (under 18) to keep track of. Now to estimate the weight of that giant book, lets take a phone book to a major metropolitan area as a guide. A phone book for a decent-sized city might have 1 million names in it. A phone book like that (which is printed very small–even for Santa’s reader glasses and on very thin paper which is a far cry from the leather bound parchment paged thing we see in all the movies) weighs about 2.5 pounds.

So here comes the math:
1 Million names in a 3″ thick phone book weighs about 3 pounds.
2.5 billion= 2500 phone books
Santa’s Book is 7500 inches or 625 feet thick
Santa’s Book weighs at least 7500 lbs or 3.75 short tons

Conclusion: Santa’s list weighs more than my list (thank goodness) AND weighs more than me.

Want to learn a little more about holiday (including New Year’s) lists? Check here!

Surviving the Holidays: Making a List

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So, I was making a list and checking it twice. Wanted to find out if there’s a Psychiatrist willing to prescribe emergency Xanax and trying not to hyperventilate. Seriously at this time of the year the list gets a little long and out of control, right? Last time I sat down to do my holiday to-do list, I got to page 3.5 and burst out into tears.

But after I blew my nose and medicated myself with a small amount of premium dark chocolate, I was able to address the list again. And I realized something. I really didn’t NEED to do everything on the list. The list was more a wish list than a highly prioritized, realistic list of the most important stuff I absolutely needed to get done. So I took my list and put it through triage. I sorted out the stuff that MUST get done, from the stuff that I really WANTED to get done and the stuff that would be NICE to get done. And here’s the thing about triage, you have to be brutal. You have to make tough choices. The stuff that MUST get done is the things that would result in severe consequences if you don’t do them. On my list this included: get medications refilled, get gas in the car, deposit check into the bank, pay bills that are due, get the food I promised to bring to Christmas dinner, find somebody to care for our dog while we’re out of town and keep up with my client demands enough to keep my clients. Then there are the things I really wanted to get done: send presents to out of town friends and family, do laundry, pack clean clothes for the trip, bake some cookies to bring to the party. Then there was a long, long list of things that would be nice to get done: decorate the tree, clean the house, wash the car, look for new clients, find a new outfit to wear for Christmas, sort the garage, clean out the closets, send Holiday cards to acquaintances, and on and on and on.

The result of my holiday triage, is that less than 1/4 of my list counted as stuff I MUST get done. Another 1/4 was things that I really wanted to get done, and half the list was in the would be nice category. So I told myself: okay get through the must, then see how much time you have for the want and if you don’t have time for the would be nice, then just don’t sweat it. I got through everything on the list that was absolutely necessary. My suitcases were packed and near the door. The food was organized and the cooler washed and standing by the door. The car was gassed and ready to go. Dog sitter standing by all before bedtime. All I had to do was get up in the morning, put the stuff in the car, post this blog and GO. What a relief! I went to bed with a smile on my face.

And then both me and my husband got violently ill with the flu. At that point, I had to just throw the entire list out and start over. I couldn’t go to my parents on Friday or even Saturday. Christmas Eve dinner was a few saltines and some ginger ale. The food I assembled to bring to my family had to be stored in the freezer. We finally managed to zip our suitcases and stagger to the car on Christmas Day.

This is really an extension of the previous post about setting holiday expectations. Our lists are so long because we are trying to be perfect or achieve a holiday story that is just not realistic. What if we could stop spending so much time worrying about what other people will think about us at the holidays, and spend more time just being with them? How many wonderful opportunities for love and communications have I missed because I was in the kitchen just whipping up one more thing or washing another dish or cleaning the house? And here’s the thing, the dirt always comes back, but sadly, our friends and family are only with us a limited amount of time. And that’s why I decided to focus on getting to my family on Christmas, and didn’t sweat it that this blog post is about 2 weeks late.

Since then, we passed one of the great list making holidays of the year, New Years. That’s when we move away from our holiday lists and towards lists of resolutions for the whole freaking YEAR! That’s when we decide we’re going to reorganize the house and only eat organic foods and run a marathon and run for Congress and heaven only knows what else. And here again, I think a little list triage is in order. In fact, let’s not make a list. Want a New Year’s Resolution? Okay, pick ONE. Not 5, not 20, don’t make a list. Just pick one thing. Close your eyes, listen to your heart and choose one thing that you think will make you happier and make your life better this year. Got it? Good!

And since it’s technically not too late to say it: Happy New Years my little chickadees!

Love,
The Fat Chick

Stuff that Weighs More than Me: The Tree At Rockerfeller Center

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Photo Credit: ATTRIBUTION. © by James G. Howes, 1987.

2011 Tree Stats:
Type: Norway Spruce
Height: 74 ft.
Width: Approximately 35 ft.
Lights: 30,000 LED lights on five miles of wire
Swarovski Star on Top: 9.5 feet in diameter, weighs 550 pounds
Drinks: 90 gallons of water per day

Weight: The star and the water in the tree alone weigh 1301.5 pounds. Lights will probably add another 3,000 pounds or so. The tree itself weighs in at over 12 tons. Estimated total weight 15 tons.

Conclusion: The 2011 Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center weighs more than me.

Want to look at a slightly more manageable tree? Check out THIS post on managing holiday expectations.

Surviving the Holidays: Managing Expectations

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Last year, as I was frantically finishing final edits to my book: The Fat Chick Works Out! I had to accept that I had neither time nor money for a huge Christmas tree. Even if I was in a position to shell out over $100 for a nice tree (California pricing–sheesh!) I didn’t have time to even go to the lot and pick it out, so much drag it home, prop it up and put hundreds of ornaments on it. I had to accept that it just wasn’t going to happen. So I took out my tiny little pretend Christmas tree, slapped one string of lights on it, and put on about a dozen little teeny ornaments. And you know what, it wasn’t so bad. It was disappointing, because I had expected the giant live Christmas tree. But it’s cheery little presence kept me company in the wee, dark hours before dawn as I sat next to the fireplace and did final edits. And I learned.

This year, I never even thought about that huge Christmas tree. I knew I would be even busier this year than I was last year. I didn’t win the lottery, so the big tree was probably too expensive anyway. So I set my expectations for my tiny tree, and this year it’s making me happy with no disappointment and no regrets. My tiny tree is enough. I am satisfied.

I think so many times during the holidays, we make ourselves crazy with totally unreasonable expectations. We think we need to uphold every holiday tradition that anybody in our family has ever had. We think we should give everybody everything they ever wanted for Christmas, and even a few things they didn’t ask for. And everybody is going to get along at all the family gatherings, and the kids will all be perfectly behaved and our holiday will look just like Mr. Rockwell’s paintings. And naturally, we’ll lose 30 pounds between Christmas and Thanksgiving so that we can fit into that slinky little black dress we’ve been dreaming of. Because we need to make this the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! Ho, ho, freaking, ho.

And of course, it never quite works out like that, does it? When you’re standing in long lines the day after Christmas returning presents that the kids didn’t like after all (and you couldn’t afford anyway) you cringe at this year’s NEW crop of holiday memories complete with grandma passing out after too much eggnog, nobody talking to Judy because of what she said about our Susan, and a mess that you couldn’t shift with a sherman tank. And the little black dress? Honey all the Spanx in the world ‘aint gonna get you there. Frankly, it’s depressing.

But does it have to be? What if you accept that you can’t please everybody. What if you accept that you can’t change people? What if you accept that this crazy, messy, imperfect, noisy and less fiscally irresponsible Christmas will be YOUR Christmas and get over it? Can’t meet old holiday traditions? Make new ones! Can’t buy expensive presents? Give of your heart and your mind and your time. Got a crazy family? Enjoy them while you still have them. Gained 2 pounds since Thanksgiving? Get a great pair of comfy but gorgeous leggings and ROCK ‘EM!

That’s my Christmas gift to you my love. Go out and have a personalized, imperfect and perhaps more than slightly crazy holiday season.

Love,
The Fat Chick

Stuff that Weighs More Than Me: Really Big Bed Sculpture

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In honor of trying to get more sleep during the holidays, I’ve been thinking about beds. And this my friends is a BIG one. This famous sculpture, entitled “In Bed” is by artist Ron Mueck. And however big I may feel, I’m pretty sure I’m not as big as THIS lady:

Materials: Polyester resin, fiberglass, polyurethane, horse hair and cotton

Width: 5.5 ft.

Length: Over 20 ft.

Weight: Unknown, but I’m guessing that a 20 ft. tall woman weighs more than me.

Conclusion: This woman “In Bed” weighs more than me.

Want to hear more about my holiday exploits in bed? Click here!

Surviving the Holidays: Get Some Sleep!

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Now don’t laugh when I ask this, but seriously. When is the last time you got a good night’s sleep? I know during the holidays (at least in MY life) this is one of the first things to go right out the window. I stay up to wrap one more present, address one more Christmas card, bake one more holiday favorite and before you know it, it’s tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dragged myself up the stairs in the wee hours of the morning and collapsed in the bed. And maybe no other creature (including the proverbial mouse) is stirring at the crack of dawn in my house, but I am. I’m up early doing all the stuff I would normally be doing, but put off because of holiday obligations. Tis the season to be surly, cranky and get sick because we just need a little shut-eye.

In the health magazines, I’ve seen lots and lots of articles about how NOT to eat holiday treats or (gasp) gain holiday pounds. What I haven’t seen is much of any information about the need for sleep. This despite the fact that there is ample evidence that going without sleep is really bad for your health. A recent study showed that shift workers are more likely to suffer from diabetes, and the thinking is that the sleep disturbances have a lot to do with it. (Poor Santa. Maybe he should deliver presents during the day.)

But diabetes is just one of many potential health effects of not getting enough sleep. Aside from increased accidents on the road and at work, sleep deprivation is linked to a host of other ailments including:

High blood pressure
Heart attack
Heart failure
Stroke
Psychiatric problems, including depression and other mood disorders
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Mental impairment
Disruption of bed partner’s sleep quality
Poor quality of life

Yikes! And let’s not discount “disruption of bed partner’s sleep quality”. This is probably not a formula for a happy marriage. I wonder if Mrs. Claus has to sleep with the pillow over her head when jolly ol’ St. Nick finally crawls in to the sack at the North Pole.

But seriously, going without sleep over the holidays is NOT a good thing. Aside from the potential health risks, it makes you cranky as heck, and all the more likely to bite Aunt Ethel’s head clean off when she asks you (again) when you’re getting married. Not. Good.

So how do you fit sleep in during the holidays? First off, you need to prioritize it. Here’s an exercise I sometimes do. I set my alarm to go off when it’s bedtime. This reminds me that it’s time to wrap up WHATEVER I’m doing and go to sleep. Sometimes that means some things don’t get done. After all, this blog post was supposed to go up LAST week. But is the world still turning? Let me check…

Getting sleep is also about managing your holiday obligations and your holiday expectations. We’ll be talking about both of those things in the weeks ahead. But not right now, because it’s time for me to get some shut eye.

So my little chicklettes, my plea for you is to find some time to lay down your fluffy little heads and head off to dreamland.

Love,
The Fat Chick

Stuff That Weighs More than Me: Shark Tank!

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This past year, we spent one night at the Golden Nugget Hotel on Fremont Street in Las Vegas. The hotel was fairly average for 21st century Las Vegas, except for one thing. The Shark Tank. This thing is huge!

Animal inhabitants: Over 300
Height: Over 3 Stories
Featuring: 3 story-tall enclosed tube water slide
Capacity: Over 200,000 gallons
Weight: 1.7 million pounds (excluding the glass and the critters)

Conclusion: The Tank at the Golden Nugget weighs more than me.

Want to learn more about the Shark Tank/Thanksgiving connection? Check out my series on surviving the holidays at Fat Chick Sings!

Freakin’ laser beams on their freakin’ heads.

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I was trolling through photos, looking for inspiration for my post-Thanksgiving blog post when I came across this beauty. “Yup, that’s the one,” I said. You may ask why. You may wonder why I’m looking at a photo with no turkeys or pilgrims or Norman Rockwell paintings as the perfect choice. If you’re wondering that, well you DO have a lot to be thankful for. But I’m guessing that most of you are giggling right now because you know EXACTLY what I’m getting at.

Although Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of rest, and family and gratefulness. It seems to have become a lot more like a shark tank lately. From Target shoppers, stepping over the prone body of a man who had collapsed with a fatal heart condition, to a Walmart shopper using pepper spray to ensure she got the last copy of a video game on black friday to Aunt Thelma asking if you really needed that piece of pumpkin pie, the shark tank seems a pretty apt metaphor for what the holidays have become for many of us.

We’re supposed to be thinking about love and happiness and goodwill to our fellow man, but how many of us are wishing we could be a super villain with our very own tank with sharks with freakin’ laser beams on their heads? (See the video clip HERE.) And so on top of the shopping stress and the family stress, we have the depression that comes with guilt and unmet holiday expectations.

So, what’s a girl to do? How do we navigate these treacherous waters? While I could probably write a book on this subject, you probably don’t have time to read it. So I’m going to start a series of brief blog posts, each outlining a specific tip for helping you to survive the holidays, okay?

And here’s the first tip:
1. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU’RE IN DANGEROUS WATERS:
For most of us, the holidays are no kiddie pool. You don’t want go go wading in without some serious protective gear. I’m not talking about some inflatable water wings. Nope, I mean a harpoon, and a shark cage, and possibly nuclear incendiary devices. While it’s good to be optimistic and think positive (maybe you could leave the nukes at home) it is a good idea to understand that the holidays are a difficult and stressful at times for almost everybody. So along with the holiday gift lists and grocery lists and packed holiday calendar, be sure to take a little time to plan to care for yourself. And to gird your loins my dear, for the days ahead.

Love,
The Fat Chick

P.S. Want to learn more about the shark tank in this picture? Check it out on my other blog: Stuff That Weighs More Than Me.